how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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