It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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