Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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