but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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