Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Randomize
