Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize