i barfeds in our rink
handjob tips. give me some.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
