My Higher Power is John Stamos
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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