Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
