I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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