smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
