just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
