What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
