I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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