moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize