New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
