So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
