there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
