worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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