if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
