Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
