party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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