Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
