just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
