Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
