i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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