seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
