i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
