Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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