no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
