Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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