I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
