I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
