I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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