I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
