I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
