My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
