I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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