he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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