I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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