i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
