the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
