My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
