On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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