Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
