i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
