I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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