there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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