mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I think my vagina is haunted
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
