My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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