Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
