is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
