You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
