It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
