i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
