So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I need to align my fucking chakras
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