Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
