I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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