I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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