Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
