I don't usually arrange sex via text message
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Randomize
