Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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