i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We left an ass print on the piano.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize