don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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