I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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