when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
