So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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