im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
