i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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