I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
