I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
We had to coat check the pizza.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I have already put on my inside pants.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
