I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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